Daily Bread

John 6

³² Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. ³³ For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
³⁴ “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.”

There was a season in college where I would forget to eat. It wasn't a ploy to lose weight. I just didn't find comfort in food nor did I have much of an appetite. My meals would me small if I had one. I will admit that I liked how my waist line shrunk. Even though my unhealthy eating habit wasn't about weight, truthfully, I liked the attention I received from how small I had gotten.

Over the next few months or so I started to notice other things change. I started loosing some hair and getting frequent headaches and colds. Towards the end of this unhealthy lifestyle I even caught pneumonia and was put in the hospital for a week. My season of sickness effected my school work and I had to withdraw from school for a semester.

All though my outward appearance was acceptable by the world's standards, my inside was spiraling down and wrecking havoc on my life. Choosing or forgetting to do the things that made a healthy body created a scary situation .

This morning I thought about that season in my life in relation to receiving daily bread. The necessity of food for our body was used in relating our need to be connected with God through Christ. Still, I find myself struggling, even on an intentional mission field, to take in my daily bread- to consume the work/word of the Lord in dependence. Sometimes it is a choice of doing something else instead of starting my morning off in prayer and scripture. Other times I forget my need of Him and feel I can handle it on my own. I think I can handle it on my own terms. 

This past week, I woke up feeling like I was starving for Him. I wanted to drink  in all of His goodness and grace. Depending on myself to get through the day only led to disappointment and want. He has been the only think that satisfies me. So, I find my self asking above all "Lord, give me my daily bread". 

³⁵ Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. ³⁶ But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. ³⁷ All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

Perseverance

My classroom at Canaan Christian School

I've been here just over a month now and it has been a struggle.

I've delayed sharing an update because it has been a really hard month. It feels like I have experienced every kind of challenge that I could: emotional, relational, physical, and financial.

Bouncing between two cultures in such a short time has left my head spinning. Neither one felt right to me. Neither one is better but I still feel stuck. Being back in the states for a few weeks was wonderful. I loved seeing my friends and family. However, after a few days there I started to notice the "culture current" that often sweeps people up. It was the first time that it felt so uncomfortable to me. It's hard to explain other than saying it felt like I was stuck in a wool, turtleneck sweater.

Hang in there one this one...

It's like being unable to get your head in or out of the neck hole. It's itchy, a little scary, and you feel a little desperate.

As for my class, I've been told that the first few months after Christmas break, for any classroom, student or teacher, are the most difficult. Woof. Amen. Preach. I have struggled so much and my kids have struggled so much. I've had to hand out loads of discipline for cheating. Cheating has felt like an epidemic that even takes the most trustworthy students out. Call it kids being kids or the culture but I call it a problem. The communication between my Haitian co-teacher has been tricky in the midst of trying to help out students with integrity.  The work has been frustrating, aggravating, discouraging and most definitely exhausting.

The exhaustion I could handle but a sweet, little, stomach bug... nope. It was a "I WANT MY MOMMY" kind of weekend. To have my health down for 4 days in the midst of everything else has left me vulnerable to lies. It took a lot out of me and trying to catch up on water and food took a couple more days. Good health is so important to endurance in every part of life.

Financially... I've been pushing through. My fundraising has been much more difficult this time around. From making the last minute decision to come back for another semester in the midst of the holiday season and trying to pack and move out of my apartment during an ice storm... finances have been a struggle.  At this point I don't have enough to last me another month.

Despite all of these struggles and how hard this month has been I know that I was called back even if it ends up being only a month or two. I would want this experience to be a time to change the way I pray. Instead of asking the Lord to show me his sovereignty, my prayers have changed to help me trust in it even when I can't see it or understand the way it works.

The truth in all these struggles is that I don't want to go back to the states and get swept up in the current. I want to be changed. If my kids can't break the bad habits that are harmful, at least they see that I won't stop trying to help even if I can't see the fruit of my effort. I have gotten to experience sweeter blessings from loved ones that have helped me pack and move my things while I am away in another country. Which has been harder to accept than any funds that have been given during this season. It has also been the sweetest gift I've ever received.

It's been a tough month but I'm still pushing through. Please pray for me as I process the two different cultures I am apart of. Pray for my students, my Haitian co-teacher, and I to keep pushing through the barriers of culture, language, and life. Pray for the financial needs that are before me to be able to visit the states in a few weeks and to come back to work at Canaan if that is what He want for me.

Romans 5
³ Not only so, but we^[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.