Matthew

Some part of me wanted to see the force of Matthew. We had prepared and planned and anxiously anticipated his arrival. On the night before he was suppose to arrive, I woke  up at every rustle of the trees or moan of the wind hitting our door. It was a restless night of sleep anticipating his strength that would bear down on us. I knew it iwa God who created the storm and it was His might that we would experience when Matthew arrived.

At first, I wrestled with relief at the impact we had and a little bit of disappoint for not having seen what we had prepared for. However, our preparation was not in vain. We could not point to it and say "we are safe, we have food, and we have water because of how we prepared". No, we did not redirect the storm's path and place the mountains and land perfectly around us to protect ourselves from its damaging rain and winds. We can't look back and say "it was because of us". To God be the glory.

Allow me to be a little vulnerable. There was something I wasn't prepared for. 

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I realized my fight against the storm was not yet over. The enemy was bearing down on me with all his might. I had just experienced God's protection and provision in a different way than ever before. Regardless, everything about me was being questioned and attacked. Fears, doubts, and insecurities weighed heavy and I felt the full impact of my brokenness. I couldn't do anything but fall to my face, cry, and pray. I thought of the story of Jacob wrestling with God and asked Him to help me wrestle with my brokenness. To help me understand my name in Him.

"Stand firm. You just witnessed something beautiful, My protection. Don't listen to what the enemy tells you. I am sovereign. Everything that brought you here is by My design. I am using it all to draw you deeper, to stand firm in your identity in Me. I want to give you a new name and let you own it so that others can be sure of Me. There is no sacrifice more pleasing than brokenness. Your full self.  Full of ache and longing.

I will mend your heart. I will shape it like mine. I will place desires in it to know who I am. Knowing the name and character of the great I AM will fill every crack in it. There will still be scars because My son has scars. On His wrists, ankles, and sides are reminders of the beautiful sacrifice. The cosmic wound is cosmic love that is sufficient for all brokenness. Your wounds share in his wounds.

Let it draw you in. The brokenness.

Reach out and touch his scars. Believe.

Reach out and let Him touch yours. Trust.

Your broken heart is the ultimate sacrifice. Hand it over."

And then I had the best night's sleep.